& ULTRA MILKMAIDS: BY MAIL...
CD: SSSM 102 
mate John and I were discussing the problems I had when reviewing CDs.
John reckoned that I made things difficult for myself and if he was reviewing
he would just put ‘Fuck it. Buy it. I love it’ and leave it
Using the release by Imagho &
as an example I put forward my arguments. Patiently I explained to him
that I needed an introduction along the lines of ‘This is the third
CD by Ultra Milkmaids
in my collection and probably their best work to date’. He raised
his eyebrow quizzically at that point. Going on I said that I would need
to write ‘The talents of two groups combine to make one of the best
ambient soundscapes I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing’.
He coughed suddenly. I then said to him that by stating ‘The music
shimmers like the sparkles on a ballroom gown worn by a beautiful dancer’
it would emphasise the stunning quality of the music and would let the
reader feel my emotion towards the recording. He just stood silently.
I was on a role though and wasn’t letting up. Further ‘The
drifting pastoral effects reminds me of sitting watching water lap at
my toes on some far away beach at dusk’ is what I would follow up
with I told him. He scratched his groin. He does that a lot when he’s
thinking. He didn’t get my train of thought. I need to reiterate
the dream like state of mind that this recording induces and praise this
to the highest of highs because it’s worth it I enthused to him.
He still wasn’t convinced. I lost the plot then. I called him a
vapid pond incapable of recognising a beautiful piece of classic ambient
music if it slapped him hard about the face. He told me he kind of understood
but thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill by using crap metaphors
and wishy washy language. After calling me a wanker he was gone. He always
calls me that.
I stared at my keyboard and began to type…Fuck it. Buy this now.
I love it. If it’s good enough for John it’s good enough for
/ [Ultra Milkmaids]