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My mate John and I were discussing the problems I had when reviewing CDs. John reckoned that I made things difficult for myself and if he was reviewing he would just put ‘Fuck it. Buy it. I love it’ and leave it at that.

Using the release by Imagho & Ultra Milkmaids as an example I put forward my arguments. Patiently I explained to him that I needed an introduction along the lines of ‘This is the third CD by Ultra Milkmaids in my collection and probably their best work to date’. He raised his eyebrow quizzically at that point. Going on I said that I would need to write ‘The talents of two groups combine to make one of the best ambient soundscapes I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing’. He coughed suddenly. I then said to him that by stating ‘The music shimmers like the sparkles on a ballroom gown worn by a beautiful dancer’ it would emphasise the stunning quality of the music and would let the reader feel my emotion towards the recording. He just stood silently. I was on a role though and wasn’t letting up. Further ‘The drifting pastoral effects reminds me of sitting watching water lap at my toes on some far away beach at dusk’ is what I would follow up with I told him. He scratched his groin. He does that a lot when he’s thinking. He didn’t get my train of thought. I need to reiterate the dream like state of mind that this recording induces and praise this to the highest of highs because it’s worth it I enthused to him. He still wasn’t convinced. I lost the plot then. I called him a vapid pond incapable of recognising a beautiful piece of classic ambient music if it slapped him hard about the face. He told me he kind of understood but thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill by using crap metaphors and wishy washy language. After calling me a wanker he was gone. He always calls me that.

I stared at my keyboard and began to type…Fuck it. Buy this now. I love it. If it’s good enough for John it’s good enough for me.

ANM