What You Can Never Do
Lie To Me
Across Your Face
The Art Of Obliteration
Malfunction
The Last Thing You’ll See
Tell Me You Care
Face Fucked
What I Must Do (V.2)

Note: Jo was worried about this review. Even I was slightly concerned. Maybe I had gone too far this time. So I did the unthinkable. I contacted Michael Page and showed him the review. He then had a choice. Go with it or ask for my serious back-up one to be used instead. Thankfully he has a sense of humour. He hasn’t a problem with it. Please remember this before you think about complaining about the content.

An imagined and total fabrication of a day in the life of Michael Page

0850hrs. Woke up. Smelt the coffee. Nice. Got a day off work so think I’ll record a new album. Can’t remember how many that is so far. I’ll count them all one day. Better have some breakfast first. A bacon bagel. Mmnnn. Tasty.

0925hrs. Fed and feeling good. Go down to basement which I’ve converted to a recording studio. Check equipment. Modulators. Ok. Oscillators. Working fine. Disruptors. Ditto. Amplifiers buzzing. Electronic gizmos and circuit boards. Ready. Microphones. Have three to use. Might plug in another. Computer looking sexy. Time to boot into Windows.

0950hrs. At last. Billy Gates has a lot to answer for. Open up my favourite music making program. Hit some switches and press ‘record.’ Makes a squealing sound. Will keep that. Thump the gizmo. Great horrible noise. Like it. Keep flicking switches and moving all manner of slides and dials. Heck this is impressive stuff. How could things so small sound so loud. Dunno but it appeals to me. I’ll limber up and do some vocal exercises.

1036hrs. Finished with my scales. Now got to lay the vocals down. Growl menacingly into the microphone. Sounds like phlegm stuck in there. Couldn’t wish for a better effect. Make up words as I go along. Sometimes even I scare myself at the thoughts that I pour out. Makes me sound like an evil bastard.

1106hrs. Record more music. Add more depth to the noise. Which is pretty awesome as it stands. My ears start hurting. A good sign. Means I’m doing something right. Throw my amps up to eleven. Can’t get higher than that. Soon be finished.

1156hrs. Play around with my music making program. Move bits here and there. Nearly done. Extreme music should be my middle name. Might change it by deed poll. Fuck me if I’m not good.

1209hrs. Done and dusted. Sounds great. Very heavy and quite strident. Lots of disorientating noise which is what my fans demand. Yeah…all told I’m happy with this one. Just need a title and some artwork.

1249hrs. ‘Come Closer Cut Deeper’ seems good. Rolls off the tongue. The pictures I found on the Internet to accompany it are not for the squeamish or faint hearted but it sells it pretty well. Cut flesh. Even I’m going all woozy looking at it. Will make some copies and send them out for review. Sit back and smile at a job well done. Will sleep for the rest of the afternoon.

Two weeks later.

1113hrs. Just seen the review in AP. The reviewer called it ‘an exemplary display of extreme / power noise terrorising with the nine tracks reinforcing my belief that Michael Page is an artist of unique worth whose work will never be compromised’. Read some other shit in the review but liked that bit best. Makes my day to be appreciated. Might just go and make myself another recording.

NB…Ok…I’m well over the top there. The music making process is long and torturous and can be soul destroying when it just won’t gel. Michael Page knows this better than anyone. Noise fanatics are well catered for with every release he sees fit to put out. Aggressive and raucous with just the right balance to keep them from being a complete overblown mess. Others should take note of his practices. Long may he continue in this vein. The ego has been stroked and massaged.

ANM